Dad used to tell me that if I don't know just say it because it's ok to ask any questions and it's ok to say you don't know either...

But why when other people say it, you feel like you've lost everything and everything isn't supposed to happen. Doctors told me they don't know and if Uncle John wasn't here...I would probably jump on them and start hitting them. They're supposed to be smart. They went to school for so many years and they supposed to know what is going on and they're the ones that supposed to fix me. They told me they don't know what else they can do and they emailed Dad to make up the final decision.

Mom told me not to give up. Mom told me to keep on fighting and there is nothing anyone can do to stop me. I've fought and fought but now I don't even know what's going to happen. I bet it's going to be like before, I go to another hospital and get even sicker and they'll just tell me the same thing. That or I get to go home, go back to school and just let things go. Even better I'd love to go and live with Grandpa and Grandma out in Alaska. They told me the snow is really nice there and we can go out and ice fish and everything if I'd like to. I don't know anymore because the doctors don't know. So I guess I'll just wait for Dad and see what Dad says.

Something happier, I take baby steps now. My PT and I are working really hard together to get these legs going again. I got a cane as a gift from Uncle John and we'd take walks around the room and if the nurse said ok, around the floor. It's kind of fun, I guess, with a cane, kind of like House. Just hope soon I can run and jump and do crazy stuff. My eyes are getting better slowly too. Now if I get really really close to the screen I can see what it says and I can read books but Uncle John said it's not good to be so close to everything so he said not to do it for too long. I get these drops and the doctors sad it's going to make me feel better. I hope so soon so then I don't have to worry about not able to join the Army later. Uncle John said it's ok if I get glasses later, it's better than lights out all the time.

I'm trying to do a lot of the homework that I missed. Just feeling really lazy or I'd feel so sick I almost threw up on my paper. And I can't wait till Dad answers their email or call them. I'd like to know what to do next. Go home, go stay with Gramps, or keep staying in the hospital. Maybe I'll get to go home and still try to get better...

I really don't know this time...

and it feels like no one knows.

Where are the reinforcements? How about air support like Uncle John said? Where are they?

At least I have some good news. Yesterday night someone came in and completely surprised me. Uncle John came home on a two weeks leave from Afghanistan and decided to stay with me instead of going home and go out to the bars and drink. I was so happy to see him we sat around and talked for hours. He told me about how he's doing over there and even got me MRE as a gift cuz he said that's all he could get, lol.

So then I told him about Stickam and he said there are a lot of good people here and I should treat them like I would with Dad and him. He saw Xander and Uncle John told me he's a good man and I should always respect him and listen to him. But when he saw Cody and Ryan, he warned me to never be like them or he will personally whip my ass before Dad can put me in the intake. He looked at Cody and said if don't ever shot up like he did. I asked Uncle John how he knew this guy did steroids, he said he can just tell. Marine or not, only shooting up can get you somewhere like that and if he told me he stopped, don't listen, Uncle John said, because the boy is still doing it and getting away with it partly because he's going back in the Marines. "There's no reason for anyone to do it to bulk up or try to stay in shape. If I catch you doing that, you're dead, you hear? Don't bring yourself down to his level just to look big." was what he said. 

Then I asked him about Ryan, they seem so much alike since they both got their wings and almost talk the same but Uncle John smacked me on the hand. He said that Ryan's got no respect for his job or the people around him, especially women and Uncle John never wants to catch me doing shit like that. Uncle John said all the bull shit that Ryan is staying is just to make himself look good. He's got no respect for anyone and extremely ignorant. Uncle John even told me he feels sorry for his buddies that's got to watch his back in life and when Ryan gets deployed. "Don't be so fucking ignorant and stuck up like him, Devin, no matter how much you hate your job, back talking it it's what kids do. If you don't like it, bite your tongue and fight on, not complain and sound bulky like he's doing. And you better treat everyone especially women with respect, boy, or your Dad and I will whoop you harder than you think we can."

I nodded my head and told him ok and I understand. I don't need him to tell me those. I've just sat in the room and hearing both of them talk individually and together. I don't ever say a lot when they're there or just ignore them because I don't want to put myself down in their level. Some shit they say are extremely ignorant and disrespectful and the jokes always get out of hand. I don't need anyone to tell me that's wrong, I know it is. 

I just hope when I get older and join up, I don't end up like people like them. I just want to be respectful to everyone, royal to my job and family, and serve my country. 

But right now...I've got a war going on in my body and I'm losing a lot of soldiers fighting this thing.

I need some sort of support fast...cuz I'm running out of troops.

I don't think, at least I remember, I fell this sick before. I couldn't sit up all day and my chest and head hurt like it's going to explode or something. I woke up from a nap and I just couldn't breath. It scared me so bad and the nurses came running in and ya...it was scary...I don't want that to happen again. I don't know what's going on and they're not telling me...so stupid...they should just tell. The doctor came in and talked to me about starting chemo and radiation again. He said I can wait if I want to but he rather I start tomorrow since there are still what's left in my brain and he doesn't want the little lump on my lung to get bigger. I really don't want to but I told him ok. Dad said before complications are always going to be there and it'll take time for us to take care of it completely. Doc said time is something we are really limited on right now since the tumors can do whatever they want and whenever they feel like it. So I told him ok. Chemo three times a week and radiation twice starting tomorrow for three weeks to see how it goes. I asked him what are we going to do if it doesn't work, he said we will see after three weeks. 

Ya, I am going to be really sick...I already know it. Where's my bucket?

Something else, I woke up and for some reason just wanted to go to church. So I called up the Chaplin and he came in and we had a nice talk. Felt really good afterwards too, funny how that works. Then I got a nice visitor from Mason and the kid cracks me up. Good thing for internet, I get all kinds of visitors and cheer me up. It's pretty cool. It's good to know there's people out there that knows what's going on. Dan and Chelles sister and I started talking about doctors and how some of them are stupid. They are...because some of them say I don't know to you even though they've been to school more than I've been alive. I remember one time a doctor said I don't know and good luck to me, Mom took me out of the room and I heard a loud crash. Another time Dad just told me to stay in the corner and I watched Dad put a black eye on the doc.

Some people are just stupid I think...even with that many years of school. I wonder where Dad is...

So a lot of this I don't remember and I've collected (and still collecting) off of people that was on the other side of all this crazyness. Surgery was Friday, and supposedly I didn't wake up till Sunday or Monday. Sure didn't feel like that to me felt more like a couple hours because when I woke up, all I remembered was I had some tube down my mouth, I saw Dad, gave him a thumbs up and wanted to head back to sleep, I was that tired. Dad didn't let me.

Dad and everyone else said I was asleep for that many days. Really I don't remember, I was just taking that nap! But I don't know if you can call this a dream or a trip and well...here's what I remembered:

I told Dad and he told me he's glad I had the chance to meet up with Mom. And he said he had no clue why Mom had all those service members over for dinner but he's glad I got to meet them also. When I told him about the medal, Dad told me about MoH. We even looked up a list of its recipients and strangly the four guys I told Dad about were all the current recipients. Kind of freaked me out a bit but Dad said nothing to be scared about and that I should feel honored to get to meet those people. 

Ok now it's back to reality. When I went in the surgery Dad and I both knew this wasn't going to be a piece of cake. So after I woke up, Dad kind of told me what's going on (really surprised he did...because he never did before...) He said the surgery didn't go well and I lost a lot of blood and they only got 25% of what they wanted to do. He said he wasn't happy about it but I got to remember it's better than none. I guess he's right but I wish it was a better number and the bleeding didn't happen because here comes all the stupid complications.

I don't remember most of the people I met in the Ward. I remembered Todd, Xander, Chelle, Sammi...and well that's about it. Sorry dudes I feel bad if I don't remember you and trust me, I'm trying to but if it's not clicking...I try not to think too hard or else my head would start hurting. Then I wanted to get up and use the head but I couldn't move my legs or even think about walking. I freaked, what the hell I didn't want to piss in my pants anytime soon. (Thank goodness for catheters) 

And I don't remember a couple days ago, I woke up from a nap and can't see shit out of both of my eyes. It's like going outside in the middle of the night and all the street lights are out. I freaked, I really did and started yelling and shit before Dad calmed me down and told me it was going to be ok and we'll go through this like we did for all these years. It kind of makes me wonder...7 years already, how many more? Dad found me Microsoft Narrator, something that reads out every single letter that I type so I can at least get on the computer. Cheered me up a bit and thanks guys in the Ward for keeping up with my shit...you guys rock.

I don't know why I thought Dad had more time to chill and hang with me, but he got the call and next thing I knew he said he was leaving and he was out the door, again. Just another day being a military brat, don't want him to leave but he's got to. So what happens? I'm on my own again for the next he said hopefully 7 months. (Though he said he's going to have someone come and stay with me and I always got my brothers and sisters in the Ward but dude..seriously, most of the time I feel so fucking alone.) I don't know why I still feel upset about it...I've been doing this on and off after Mom died but I still get upset about it all and once again, another Thanksgiving and Christmas he's missing out.Now I don't even remember when Dad left. Seems like I'm just on my own and well all good, it's like not having Mom here.

Late last night I started feeling extremely crappy. Felt like someone is standing on my chest and won't get off. So the nurses made me put the annoying oxygen mask on for the entire day today. (And why do people try to sound smart by saying acronyms. Really, I've been in the hospital for awhile now I know what sob is...don't try to hide it from me. I know what it means.) What else, the lights are still out and my legs are still asleep. But really hopefully soon everything will be back to the way they were before.

When I woke up from my nap today...I felt so weak and was just so close on calling it. I took small breaths and just wanted to stop. But out of fucking no where, I got slammed with a hardcore pick me up. I was in the Ward about to just close everythign down and not go back when Chelle got on. Her kid Mason started talking and it got picked up by the microphone. He might as well be right here and hit me square in the nuts because shit...it reminded me something I was so close on forgetting: the reason why I'm glad I'm doing this. It's so kids like Mason don't have to fucking worry about getting sick and actually enjoy shit like Halloween and hunted house and eat whatever they want without puking the shit out of their guts and coughing blood every so often. 

So this one is for you buddy...and Chelle tell him I say thanks. 

Oh and I'll try not to chuck shit at the nursing staff from now on. I wasn't in a happy mood before and they won't stop bothing me. This mask is another story though...it's starting to irrate the fuck out of me.

I guess I'm still nervous but I know that I'm in good hands with the doctors that's going to be taking care of me. I have no doubt that things aren't going to be as well as they can get and whatever happens, well me and Dad will just have to fight through our way like we always did.

Someone asked me....while you're alive, what's your wish. I really don't know how to think of a wish just for myself right now since I'm still here after 7 years. Really, if I can do something for the kids around here, I would. I've been through it while I was a kid and now starting to understand every single word the doctor is saying, just hate it to see some other kids go through what I did years ago.

But really, I don't really have any wishes that I think anyone can help me with. Overall, no matter what happens I just want Dad, people in my family to know everything is chill and it's going to be alright. With or without me in their life, it's going to be alright. Something else too...I'd love to fall in love and really if you ask me I think I already did. I haven't talked to the person yet since I'm typing this but I will. Since the day I saw her and actually talked to her and get to know her, I couldn't stop thinking about her. I see her whatever I do, I see her in my sleep, in my dreams, and even when I am awake. I still don't know if you call this love but I really really like her and I wish there is ways for us to spend more time together. If not, if I can just see her once a day, it'd be enough. She seems like the only person that can take away  my pain when everything it's at it's worse. The only other person that can do that was Mom. So I don't know...maybe I am in love or I don't know.

To the friends I've made in the Ward:

Desh, dude you're awesome man. Always cheering me on with shit and even helping me with my homework when no one else can. We're on the same boat man and thanks for continuing to cheer me on and keep me going.

Todd, thanks man for listening to me bitch and listening to my dad's throw downs. The encouraging words are just some sweet deal. The shake dude...trust me, awesome stuff and so far liking it, only thing I can keep down too dude. When you get the chance man, let your kids be who they are, and share stories with them like my Dad did to me. Seriously dude, I'm glad I can take this for kids like yours, so they can really chill. Thanks man, really, thanks.

Xander, man you're awesome, seems like one of the few people that can keep me up and laughing and chilling when I'm down and sick. Thanks for always checking up on me man, it's awesome.

Alicia, thanks for always cheering me up. Somehow talking to you feels like I'm talking to my Mom again. The way you talk to me about anything, just random things you talk about in the room and about your kids are damn nice. Thanks.

Bryan thanks for letting me chill in your room and meet new people. I'm glad I can see different faces and hear different voices when I'm stuck in the hospital, Emmy was right you do run an awesome room, thanks man.

Sammi, thanks for being an awesome sister. The story were awesome and you're the greatest. 

Chelle, don't forget you still owe me that ride in your stang lol. Thanks for being my roomie you rock.

Josiah, beat me in MapleStory and I'll bow down to you lol NOT 

Daniel, you I truly got to thank. You're the only one that truly know what it's like to have what I like and though we might have different scans, thanks for listening to me when I was nervous, thanks for asking me how I'm doing and offering advice when I need it. You're like my 2nd Dad and you're awesome thanks.

So ya...I guess that's about it, everyone else you know I've talked to you already or going to anyways. And well...I hope luck is on my side and everything turns out ok and someday I get to sit my grandkids on my lap telling them the story of me winning this battle and joining the proud Marines.

We'll see...