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god bless you

2010-03-17 @ 09:32:05 am
by conan


im so sorry for you loss! ...

2008-12-08 @ 11:42:39 pm
by Vicki aka Lady Redneck


Hello Devin. I know you're reading ...

2008-12-05 @ 01:30:22 pm
by Daniel COTÉ


Dearest Devin, you have touched me ...

2008-12-04 @ 08:10:41 pm
by CHELLE


I'm very sorry for the lose ...

2008-12-04 @ 12:01:16 pm
by John DuBois (aka Zorro)


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26 Oct 2008 
So...
It's been I don't know how many days since I woke up from the surgery and well now I feel like writing, Lord I wonder how long this is going to take using Narrator and reading every fuckin letter. 

So a lot of this I don't remember and I've collected (and still collecting) off of people that was on the other side of all this crazyness. Surgery was Friday, and supposedly I didn't wake up till Sunday or Monday. Sure didn't feel like that to me felt more like a couple hours because when I woke up, all I remembered was I had some tube down my mouth, I saw Dad, gave him a thumbs up and wanted to head back to sleep, I was that tired. Dad didn't let me.

Dad and everyone else said I was asleep for that many days. Really I don't remember, I was just taking that nap! But I don't know if you can call this a dream or a trip and well...here's what I remembered:

A nice lady (later I found out for soem strange reason this lady and Alicia's voice is exactly the same) told me to hold her hand and she'll take me to see Mom. When we got there I saw Mom and she took me on this huge tour of the entire place and even met some people. Afterwards she brought me back to her house, it was like a mansion. Then Mom told me we were having guests over for dinner. There were so many people over and for some reason they were all wearing their uniform. During dinner, I had one guy told me he shot a redcoat and he's proud of it and another man warned me to never get on the ship because the Japs will attack soon and the ship will sink and I'll go down with it if I don't listen to him. Another another guy told me stories of him hopping out of a chopper and got ambushed by VCs. He said it was crazy but he safed his battlebuddies so he's happy. 

I don't know how Mom knew that many different service members but she had all these people over and when we were having dessert these guys started talking to me. They were all wearing the same star shapped medal around their neck. I asked them what happened and how they got it they said it doesn't matter. They said they're glad they did what they did and although they don't feel like they acutally deserved the medal, they all agreed they're glad they did what they did to safe their friends and buddies. I still don't remember what they looked like but I still remembered their names: Smith, McGinis, Dunham, and Monsoor. Then Mom told me that I better get going or else Dad would be worried about me. So that's what I did, I followed the lady and then next thing I knew I was up.

I told Dad and he told me he's glad I had the chance to meet up with Mom. And he said he had no clue why Mom had all those service members over for dinner but he's glad I got to meet them also. When I told him about the medal, Dad told me about MoH. We even looked up a list of its recipients and strangly the four guys I told Dad about were all the current recipients. Kind of freaked me out a bit but Dad said nothing to be scared about and that I should feel honored to get to meet those people. 

Ok now it's back to reality. When I went in the surgery Dad and I both knew this wasn't going to be a piece of cake. So after I woke up, Dad kind of told me what's going on (really surprised he did...because he never did before...) He said the surgery didn't go well and I lost a lot of blood and they only got 25% of what they wanted to do. He said he wasn't happy about it but I got to remember it's better than none. I guess he's right but I wish it was a better number and the bleeding didn't happen because here comes all the stupid complications.

I don't remember most of the people I met in the Ward. I remembered Todd, Xander, Chelle, Sammi...and well that's about it. Sorry dudes I feel bad if I don't remember you and trust me, I'm trying to but if it's not clicking...I try not to think too hard or else my head would start hurting. Then I wanted to get up and use the head but I couldn't move my legs or even think about walking. I freaked, what the hell I didn't want to piss in my pants anytime soon. (Thank goodness for catheters) 

And I don't remember a couple days ago, I woke up from a nap and can't see shit out of both of my eyes. It's like going outside in the middle of the night and all the street lights are out. I freaked, I really did and started yelling and shit before Dad calmed me down and told me it was going to be ok and we'll go through this like we did for all these years. It kind of makes me wonder...7 years already, how many more? Dad found me Microsoft Narrator, something that reads out every single letter that I type so I can at least get on the computer. Cheered me up a bit and thanks guys in the Ward for keeping up with my shit...you guys rock.

I don't know why I thought Dad had more time to chill and hang with me, but he got the call and next thing I knew he said he was leaving and he was out the door, again. Just another day being a military brat, don't want him to leave but he's got to. So what happens? I'm on my own again for the next he said hopefully 7 months. (Though he said he's going to have someone come and stay with me and I always got my brothers and sisters in the Ward but dude..seriously, most of the time I feel so fucking alone.) I don't know why I still feel upset about it...I've been doing this on and off after Mom died but I still get upset about it all and once again, another Thanksgiving and Christmas he's missing out.Now I don't even remember when Dad left. Seems like I'm just on my own and well all good, it's like not having Mom here.

Late last night I started feeling extremely crappy. Felt like someone is standing on my chest and won't get off. So the nurses made me put the annoying oxygen mask on for the entire day today. (And why do people try to sound smart by saying acronyms. Really, I've been in the hospital for awhile now I know what sob is...don't try to hide it from me. I know what it means.) What else, the lights are still out and my legs are still asleep. But really hopefully soon everything will be back to the way they were before.

When I woke up from my nap today...I felt so weak and was just so close on calling it. I took small breaths and just wanted to stop. But out of fucking no where, I got slammed with a hardcore pick me up. I was in the Ward about to just close everythign down and not go back when Chelle got on. Her kid Mason started talking and it got picked up by the microphone. He might as well be right here and hit me square in the nuts because shit...it reminded me something I was so close on forgetting: the reason why I'm glad I'm doing this. It's so kids like Mason don't have to fucking worry about getting sick and actually enjoy shit like Halloween and hunted house and eat whatever they want without puking the shit out of their guts and coughing blood every so often. 

So this one is for you buddy...and Chelle tell him I say thanks. 
Oh and I'll try not to chuck shit at the nursing staff from now on. I wasn't in a happy mood before and they won't stop bothing me. This mask is another story though...it's starting to irrate the fuck out of me.
Admin · 154 views · 4 comments
17 Oct 2008 
Tomorrow...
So it's almost tomrrow and I still can't sleep. While Dad's talking to the doctor before the doctor gets off, I thought I'd just like to type this. You know, in case I forget about some stuff or things don't go well.

I guess I'm still nervous but I know that I'm in good hands with the doctors that's going to be taking care of me. I have no doubt that things aren't going to be as well as they can get and whatever happens, well me and Dad will just have to fight through our way like we always did.

Someone asked me....while you're alive, what's your wish. I really don't know how to think of a wish just for myself right now since I'm still here after 7 years. Really, if I can do something for the kids around here, I would. I've been through it while I was a kid and now starting to understand every single word the doctor is saying, just hate it to see some other kids go through what I did years ago.

But really, I don't really have any wishes that I think anyone can help me with. Overall, no matter what happens I just want Dad, people in my family to know everything is chill and it's going to be alright. With or without me in their life, it's going to be alright. Something else too...I'd love to fall in love and really if you ask me I think I already did. I haven't talked to the person yet since I'm typing this but I will. Since the day I saw her and actually talked to her and get to know her, I couldn't stop thinking about her. I see her whatever I do, I see her in my sleep, in my dreams, and even when I am awake. I still don't know if you call this love but I really really like her and I wish there is ways for us to spend more time together. If not, if I can just see her once a day, it'd be enough. She seems like the only person that can take away  my pain when everything it's at it's worse. The only other person that can do that was Mom. So I don't know...maybe I am in love or I don't know.

To the friends I've made in the Ward:

Desh, dude you're awesome man. Always cheering me on with shit and even helping me with my homework when no one else can. We're on the same boat man and thanks for continuing to cheer me on and keep me going.

Todd, thanks man for listening to me bitch and listening to my dad's throw downs. The encouraging words are just some sweet deal. The shake dude...trust me, awesome stuff and so far liking it, only thing I can keep down too dude. When you get the chance man, let your kids be who they are, and share stories with them like my Dad did to me. Seriously dude, I'm glad I can take this for kids like yours, so they can really chill. Thanks man, really, thanks.

Xander, man you're awesome, seems like one of the few people that can keep me up and laughing and chilling when I'm down and sick. Thanks for always checking up on me man, it's awesome.

Alicia, thanks for always cheering me up. Somehow talking to you feels like I'm talking to my Mom again. The way you talk to me about anything, just random things you talk about in the room and about your kids are damn nice. Thanks.

Bryan thanks for letting me chill in your room and meet new people. I'm glad I can see different faces and hear different voices when I'm stuck in the hospital, Emmy was right you do run an awesome room, thanks man.

Sammi, thanks for being an awesome sister. The story were awesome and you're the greatest. 

Chelle, don't forget you still owe me that ride in your stang lol. Thanks for being my roomie you rock.

Josiah, beat me in MapleStory and I'll bow down to you lol NOT 

Daniel, you I truly got to thank. You're the only one that truly know what it's like to have what I like and though we might have different scans, thanks for listening to me when I was nervous, thanks for asking me how I'm doing and offering advice when I need it. You're like my 2nd Dad and you're awesome thanks.

So ya...I guess that's about it, everyone else you know I've talked to you already or going to anyways. And well...I hope luck is on my side and everything turns out ok and someday I get to sit my grandkids on my lap telling them the story of me winning this battle and joining the proud Marines.

We'll see...
Admin · 197 views · 8 comments
16 Oct 2008 
Extremely Nervous but I'm trying to chill
So I flew to NC overnight and it was kind of fun. The people there were extremely nice.

I've tried to sleep, but just a couple hours then I'd wake up sweating and can't go back to bed. Tomorrow is the big day and really everything sucks right now. My head is always hurting and everytime I wake up my eyes are blurred and hard to read anything. Dad talked to me on the phone today and said he's going to be here tomorrow so its not going to be so lonely anymore. But I still feel like it because my head hurts, my eyes are fuzzy and blurry and my chest hurts some times and I'd cough so much blood would come out.

I've only told 3 people online that I'm getting surgery and tomorrow I'll tell more people and talk to Caitlyn about how I feel about her. I really like her like her and I don't know what to think of it, just all so confusing.

What's going to happen tomorrow I still don't know...I just hope I get to wake up or stay awake whichever. Then I don't want to forget like I did before, I don't like forgetting and relearning is stupid. I just hope everything will go ok...

and I still wish Mom was here
Admin · 123 views · 5 comments
14 Oct 2008 
Waiting
So Dad decided to do the surgery on Friday. Tomorrow I'm going to go in short for my g-tube, his reason is not to have me spend extra more time in the operation room than I have to. I don't really care, it's going to get done. I've really nervous about this one and really scared...I never thought getting older would make surgery harder, before I just go ok! then go in then come out, now I'm thinking a lot more shit and it's making me real nervous. Dad's flying in on Thursday and then after that we'll see what happens.

I passed out for 7 some hours then 5 again shortly after. A bunch of crazy dreams but I still don't remember. So I tried to forget things so I'm in the Psychward and they were talking about serial killers. Listing the bad people who did some bad stuff. I made my own.

Killer D aka "Justice Deman"- travels from hospitals to hospitals comforting people who lost their love ones due to drunk drivers mishap. He tracks down the drunk drivers, slices off skin and meat off the bones while the vicitims are still alive. He then drowns the body in alcohol before BBQing them and ships it to hungry dog shelters. Organs are taken out of the victims body and donated to hospitals within 24 hours of act. Over 200 organs including kidneys, lungs, heart will be donated.

I posted that and no one said anything about it being in present tense. If I had the slightest chance, I would do it. Everytime something bad happens, good people die. Good people like Mom get killed by bad people, drunks. I hear it all the time on the news, about another family killed by drunk driver. As soon as I can, I'm going to become Killer D. I hate those people and they need to learn a lesson,

But then they wouldn't know how it feels...then I'll make them feel. I miss mom right now really bad...and I want her here really bad too. I'm scared and this time, it feels like something is going to be wrong.
Admin · 142 views · 12 comments
13 Oct 2008 
He asked for my opinion?
So earlier yesterday, I went taking a CT scan. It was fun playing with the purple dye that they dye me with so I'd glow. It was great. 

Lately I've been sick, you know the norm and did a lot of praying to the porcelain god enough that I feel like I broke one of the ten commendents. A lot of going back and forth either to the bathroom or to the bucket. It's ok, nothing surprising.

So then later on in the nite Dad called me. He told me about the scan and actually asked for my opinion. He said the decision is still up to him and he's the one that's got to tell the doctors but he wants to know what I want to do. I think that's the first time Dad ever said that to me. Guess before I was too young to make any decision. I remember when I was a kid that's all I want is to make some big decision so I can feel like an adult. But when he asked me that earlier I felt like shit, it wasn't the kind of decision or opinion I had in mind all along.

So since I was having so many different pains, they decided to do a scan to check things out. I'm not doing so hot despite what we've been doing. So it's been spreading like a bug and they even found a small object on my lungs. I heard that from Dad and seriously want to just let go and say why not let me go home, finish up as much school and play some baseball and that's it.

But my Dad want me to sleep on it and I kind of did, with the pain just letting me pass out I thought about it. I called him ealier and told him I want to keep fighting so the plan is massive chemo and radiation for 2 weeks and see how that goes. If it's good we'll keep going, if not, we'll do surgery then round back to chemo and radiation.

It's like a cycle...like I haven't figured that out yet, shit. So Chemo in 5 hours...I'm going to see if I can actually get some sleep. I'm going to need more than will and luck to fight through this one...

Mom, if you can, help. I need all the help I can get.
Admin · 200 views · 6 comments

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