Tonight’s ok, I’m on a lot of medications because I am hurting really bad. But even themedications can’t make it go away, so I just try to do some homework and forget about it. I don’t know what I was thinking, cuz it didn’t work. Today just seemed like one of those bad days…cuz nothing is right. 

We got playing a game in the Ward called The Conversation game. Mandy draws a cardfrom this deck and whoever's turn have to answer the question. All the questions were cool but this one I got made me sad real fast. "What's your most cherished possession?" I told everyone one of my secrets. The day I got diagnosed, mom got me this silver chain to put on around my wrist. She told me it’s going to keep me strong. I haven’t really take it off other than if I really have to for surgery or treatment or something like that. So after I answered the question, I pulled my sweatshirt back and just stared at the chain. I don’t remember last time I cried about Mom, not even during the funeral I think. It’s been three years and this is the first time I’m crying over Mom gone.

I miss her a lot right now and I hate crying because no men cry. And I wish Mom’s here; it feels like everything is easier when she is. She knows what to say and do to make me laugh. She knows what to make me when I’m sick. She knows what to say to the doctors when Dad just wants to let the fists do the talking. She knows everything and God I miss her. “Don’t worry my baby, I’ll buy yousome Jell-O and make you feel better. Don’t worry, honey, everything is going to be ok, let’s read a story.” I’d like that right now Mom…

I don’t get it and I wish there’s a book or something on the internet I can lookup. Why did Mom have to die? Why didn’t the drunk guy got killed? How come Mom? Mom wasn’t doing anything bad, she was just on her way to get me something to make me feel better. I don’t get it, why do that bad people always liveforever. I get so mad I just want to be Killer D again. I want to so bad rightnow. Mom’s supposed to be sitting right next to me or lay in bed with me when I’m hurting. Not somewhere so fucking far away…

Someone else that’s far away too, Dad is. I don’t even know what Dad’s doing or wherehe’s at but that’s ok cuz it’s OPSEC. I know Dad’s not like someone I met online giving away OPSEC like it’s his name. Sometimes I wish I know though. A lot of the nights when I’m here or at home I can’t sleep cuz I get scared thinking someone is going to knock on the door and tell me the news. I’ve had so many dreams of something bad happening I just don’t want to sleep so I won’t get those stupid dreams. I hope Dad’s doing okay, probably just busy or something.

I got more too: I miss home. I miss going home and going to school. I miss Dash and I miss my friends. I can’t believe I said I miss school. I’ve been doing this for so longand I haven’t really got to do a lot of the stuff my friends doing. I miss playing baseball and going to YM. I miss running around base crazy and tryingto find something cool on base that I’ve never seen before.

I’m complaining now and Dad said there’s nothing worse than sitting on your ass and bitch about something you can’t control. Maybe it’s the medicine doing the bitching.

It's doing everything but working...I feel like I'm dying of a slow, painful death.

And I am...

Last night scared me a lot. I was sleeping then I just started coughing and then puke out these globs of blood and puke. It was nasty and left this nasty taste in my mouth. Then my chest started hurting really really bad and then the nurses gave me some meds. I felt a bit better but my chest kept hurting till I fell asleep. I think blood is cool especially when it's Halloween but it's not fun or cool when you cough and puke it out. It was gross.

To cheer me up this morning, Uncle John gave me 2 candy that he took from the nurses's desk. I felt so sick I didn't even feel like taking a little bite out of it, and they were those bite size kinds too. So I end up letting Uncle John have it. I got done with chemo and this week of treatment and right now, feeling pretty sick. I have a feeling I'm going to fill up my bucket sooner or later. My eyes are slowly getting better, I'm still trying not to stare really close at the screen and I'm taking longer walks now so hopefully I can walk a bit faster pretty soon then I'll run up and down these halls and drive the nurses crazy lol.

One week down and two more to go. I really hope I can do this. I don't like the idea of coughing up blood but if it means it's going to make me better soon, I'll do it everyday.

Maybe the soldiers in my body are winning...I hope they are.

Dad used to tell me that if I don't know just say it because it's ok to ask any questions and it's ok to say you don't know either...

But why when other people say it, you feel like you've lost everything and everything isn't supposed to happen. Doctors told me they don't know and if Uncle John wasn't here...I would probably jump on them and start hitting them. They're supposed to be smart. They went to school for so many years and they supposed to know what is going on and they're the ones that supposed to fix me. They told me they don't know what else they can do and they emailed Dad to make up the final decision.

Mom told me not to give up. Mom told me to keep on fighting and there is nothing anyone can do to stop me. I've fought and fought but now I don't even know what's going to happen. I bet it's going to be like before, I go to another hospital and get even sicker and they'll just tell me the same thing. That or I get to go home, go back to school and just let things go. Even better I'd love to go and live with Grandpa and Grandma out in Alaska. They told me the snow is really nice there and we can go out and ice fish and everything if I'd like to. I don't know anymore because the doctors don't know. So I guess I'll just wait for Dad and see what Dad says.

Something happier, I take baby steps now. My PT and I are working really hard together to get these legs going again. I got a cane as a gift from Uncle John and we'd take walks around the room and if the nurse said ok, around the floor. It's kind of fun, I guess, with a cane, kind of like House. Just hope soon I can run and jump and do crazy stuff. My eyes are getting better slowly too. Now if I get really really close to the screen I can see what it says and I can read books but Uncle John said it's not good to be so close to everything so he said not to do it for too long. I get these drops and the doctors sad it's going to make me feel better. I hope so soon so then I don't have to worry about not able to join the Army later. Uncle John said it's ok if I get glasses later, it's better than lights out all the time.

I'm trying to do a lot of the homework that I missed. Just feeling really lazy or I'd feel so sick I almost threw up on my paper. And I can't wait till Dad answers their email or call them. I'd like to know what to do next. Go home, go stay with Gramps, or keep staying in the hospital. Maybe I'll get to go home and still try to get better...

I really don't know this time...

and it feels like no one knows.

Where are the reinforcements? How about air support like Uncle John said? Where are they?

At least I have some good news. Yesterday night someone came in and completely surprised me. Uncle John came home on a two weeks leave from Afghanistan and decided to stay with me instead of going home and go out to the bars and drink. I was so happy to see him we sat around and talked for hours. He told me about how he's doing over there and even got me MRE as a gift cuz he said that's all he could get, lol.

So then I told him about Stickam and he said there are a lot of good people here and I should treat them like I would with Dad and him. He saw Xander and Uncle John told me he's a good man and I should always respect him and listen to him. But when he saw Cody and Ryan, he warned me to never be like them or he will personally whip my ass before Dad can put me in the intake. He looked at Cody and said if don't ever shot up like he did. I asked Uncle John how he knew this guy did steroids, he said he can just tell. Marine or not, only shooting up can get you somewhere like that and if he told me he stopped, don't listen, Uncle John said, because the boy is still doing it and getting away with it partly because he's going back in the Marines. "There's no reason for anyone to do it to bulk up or try to stay in shape. If I catch you doing that, you're dead, you hear? Don't bring yourself down to his level just to look big." was what he said. 

Then I asked him about Ryan, they seem so much alike since they both got their wings and almost talk the same but Uncle John smacked me on the hand. He said that Ryan's got no respect for his job or the people around him, especially women and Uncle John never wants to catch me doing shit like that. Uncle John said all the bull shit that Ryan is staying is just to make himself look good. He's got no respect for anyone and extremely ignorant. Uncle John even told me he feels sorry for his buddies that's got to watch his back in life and when Ryan gets deployed. "Don't be so fucking ignorant and stuck up like him, Devin, no matter how much you hate your job, back talking it it's what kids do. If you don't like it, bite your tongue and fight on, not complain and sound bulky like he's doing. And you better treat everyone especially women with respect, boy, or your Dad and I will whoop you harder than you think we can."

I nodded my head and told him ok and I understand. I don't need him to tell me those. I've just sat in the room and hearing both of them talk individually and together. I don't ever say a lot when they're there or just ignore them because I don't want to put myself down in their level. Some shit they say are extremely ignorant and disrespectful and the jokes always get out of hand. I don't need anyone to tell me that's wrong, I know it is. 

I just hope when I get older and join up, I don't end up like people like them. I just want to be respectful to everyone, royal to my job and family, and serve my country. 

But right now...I've got a war going on in my body and I'm losing a lot of soldiers fighting this thing.

I need some sort of support fast...cuz I'm running out of troops.

I don't think, at least I remember, I fell this sick before. I couldn't sit up all day and my chest and head hurt like it's going to explode or something. I woke up from a nap and I just couldn't breath. It scared me so bad and the nurses came running in and ya...it was scary...I don't want that to happen again. I don't know what's going on and they're not telling me...so stupid...they should just tell. The doctor came in and talked to me about starting chemo and radiation again. He said I can wait if I want to but he rather I start tomorrow since there are still what's left in my brain and he doesn't want the little lump on my lung to get bigger. I really don't want to but I told him ok. Dad said before complications are always going to be there and it'll take time for us to take care of it completely. Doc said time is something we are really limited on right now since the tumors can do whatever they want and whenever they feel like it. So I told him ok. Chemo three times a week and radiation twice starting tomorrow for three weeks to see how it goes. I asked him what are we going to do if it doesn't work, he said we will see after three weeks. 

Ya, I am going to be really sick...I already know it. Where's my bucket?

Something else, I woke up and for some reason just wanted to go to church. So I called up the Chaplin and he came in and we had a nice talk. Felt really good afterwards too, funny how that works. Then I got a nice visitor from Mason and the kid cracks me up. Good thing for internet, I get all kinds of visitors and cheer me up. It's pretty cool. It's good to know there's people out there that knows what's going on. Dan and Chelles sister and I started talking about doctors and how some of them are stupid. They are...because some of them say I don't know to you even though they've been to school more than I've been alive. I remember one time a doctor said I don't know and good luck to me, Mom took me out of the room and I heard a loud crash. Another time Dad just told me to stay in the corner and I watched Dad put a black eye on the doc.

Some people are just stupid I think...even with that many years of school. I wonder where Dad is...