In a couple hours I will be doing my last round of chemo. Really, this is it, last round. It's not the way I wanted it but it's going have to be. I took different tests on Tuesday and Thursday and we'll just see how everything turns out. Maybe the doctors are wrong about the bad news and give me new and good news. I sure hope so...I've been getting sick with the chemo and had some episode with the shaking. Loads of migraines and stuffy chest feeling. I've never been this sick before but at least I sort of know the feeling. The bad migraines just really really bothers me. 

I can be so positive all I want but I still can't get rid of that feeling. I don't really sleep now because I dream bad things about Uncle John and Dad. I can't eat because I puke it back up and sometimes, it even hurts to breathe or take a deep breath. Just typing this much tuff, I had to take so many breaks because my fingers and arms couldn't take it. I know I'm a bit scared of what's going to happen but...

By now, I have accepted what's really going to happen. I know it's going to happen sooner or later. It's about other people in my life that I love very much now. What's going to happen to Dad, to Uncle John? I don't want them to have to work where they are and worry about all this. What about Todd and Xander? They're in Korea and got so much to worry about already, I don't need them worry over me. Or be sad over me. What about Aunt Becky? Who's going to keep her company when Uncle John isn't here? What's going to happen with her when she needs someone to talk to or wants to play pool? What about Emmy? What about Chelle and Sammi? I really don't want people to be sad and stuff if things happen....

I'm not giving up though. Don't worry guys, I'm still fighting. I just...just right now, I feel like the soldiers inside of me ran out of ammo and have to use their fists. I'm in a fist fight with an opponent that's using missiles and bombs. That's how I feel like right now. How do you win a fist fight against someone like that? If you know please tell me how...I need help. 

I'm so tired now, but I can't sleep. At least someone have something to read.

These couple days I've been talking to Alicia and Aunt Becky (I'll explain later, maybe). And they always know how to make me feel better when I'm so sick these couple days. Uncle John and I have been hanging out a lot and talking and playing games, it was fun. But Uncle John left on early Monday morning and well...he'll be back in 10 months. That's what he told me. Saturday and Sunday I let Uncle John talk to Aunt Becky and I don't know Uncle John wouldn't shut up after so I guess I did something for him. As long as Uncle John and Aunt Becky are happy then it's ok with me.

Today I did some tests and yesterday I had chemo, I'm sick and well that's ok. I'm always sick anyways. Then tomorrow I have chemo again and then tests then last chemo again on Friday. I hope everything then I will be better and get to go home or Dad answers his email or something. 

I had a bad dream about Uncle John last night and it wasn't fun. It was so real so now I don't want to sleep anymore. It sucks and well I hope Uncle John and Dad are doing ok. 

I have the worse headache today so I just try to talk to Aunt Becky and be good. But this hurts so much I think I might pass out. But I don't want to either I don't want to have bad dreams again...

Yuck chemo tomorrow. 

Please let me stay here till Dad gets home...

This room is different, its very clean and when nurses and doctors come in they have to get all dressed up in their fancy hospital stuff. Uncle John can't even come in here with all the gears he's got. The nurses said he's too dirty. I asked them why not just take a shower and they told me he's even too dirty for a shower. So all Uncle John does now is pull up a chair and sit right outside the glass and talk to me. He still tell me stories that put me to bed like Dad's stories. But I hate this glass thing...makes me want to take a rock and break it. Too bad there isn't any in here. I have a lot of tubes going in me and the machines that won't stop beeping. I wish there's an off button somewhere. I know there is, I just can't reach it. Then I have this annoying tube that goes in my nose then around my ears for breathing. I've been sleeping a lot but when I wake up, I feel more tried than I did before I took a nap. I keep asking them why but no one can tell me why. No one can tell me what all this tube and thing is doing either and it's stupid. I think I have the right to know but no one is telling me and it sucks.

It takes me a long time to do anything now. I don't eat anymore and they just feed me through a tube. Since I got in this new room I can't go out for a walk. I can't even get out of bed I'm so tired and so weak I don't have the energy to get up and walk. So the cane that Uncle John got me just sits outside with Uncle John. I wake up and if I had the energy I'd do some work and if not, I just lay in bed and listen to music. Today is kind of good, I have the energy to type. I was going to yesterday but I couldn't even lift my finger so I just slept.

Uncle John is leaving on Sunday and he told me he'll get me something as soon as he gets back. I know they don't got a PX there but he said it'll be a surprise. I hope it's something good, not like MRE or something. He told me a lot of stuff and told me even though he doesn't want to go back, he's sure the guys don't want him back either cuz he's mean. We laughed so hard and it was fun to listen to Uncle John make fun of some of his friends. But I know he really likes them too, because without them, he'd be out of a job and they'd be out of one too. 

I can tell you what else I'm sick of. Hearing about how Obama won and it's all over the news. I don't like politics and I hate both of them but really, it gets old. It's like this kid that keeps coming up to you and tell you about his new trading card. By the time you hear it the third time, you are sick of hearing it and I am. If McCain would have won, trust me, I'd hate to hear it too. Repeated too many times, we get it, African-American as our president-elect. Wooo big deal, we get it, stop talking about it. Why not do some other news...say a cat with 8 legs or a flying cow or a kid dying of cancer and have a wish? I don't know...

Mom used to tell me God's got a plan for everyone and she's not the only one that said that before. I can't help but wonder maybe God's plan is for me to stay here till Dad gets home so we can hang out some more. Then one day...God'll take me so I'll stay with Mom till Dad joins us someday. Maybe...

So just chemo now...gross, more puking.

I did saw the new South Park with all the election people in it though, it's funny. You should go watch it.

Well that fucking brightens my day, fucking NOT. Seriously, I could careless about Obama or McCain. I can't even vote yet and like Dad said it doesn't matter who wins. To me, it's another victim of cancer. It's nothing to do with Obama but it's got something to do with a person loosing his grandmother. Not only that, she's like a Mom to him. It sucks and there's something else that I think it's stupid. 

If you haven't noted, people die every day. And I'm sure in some way people die from cancer every day. Just because some famous person died it's all over the news. Then people like me the "normal" people don't get anyhting when we die. We don't get the news crew coming to our house or the hospital, we don't get other famous people saying sorry to our families, we just get the family all sad and fucked up. I wish there's a way of knowing everyone who dies from cancer and I'd write their name down on a sheet of paper, light it and wtach it burn and try to remind myself that I'm just one of those people that don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. And be glad I got to see the sun rise and set today. If there was a way, I'd do it. Even better I'd light one candle for every life lost. Boy that's a lot of cnadles...I better start saving up my allowance.

Here's the link if you want to read it:

So I've been in the Ward for awhile now and I finally knew what Dad was talking about when he told me don't take the people in there seriously and view them as words on a screen. I was thinking fucked that to Dad and how the people in there really cares and thaye are really cool and know what's up and everything. But another point for Dad, he's right, I'm wrong. 

I'm really sick today and I don't know why. I tried to make myself feel better by going on a walk but I think that only made it worse. i got back from my walk and feeling really sick so I got in the Ward hoping to find osmeone to talk to and chill but na...some drama shit started with these people from another room called AK- auto kicks or something and well they're having "war" tonight. I got sick of it real fast and didn't want anything to do with it. I don't like bitching about people behind their backs but since I can't stand another minute in there I'll just bitch here. If you get offended, too fucking bad.

1. It's the fucking internet. Who gives a fuck if shit happens? Shit happens in real life all the time and people don't give a single crap about anyone. Tehre, someone is dying but you probaly don't know and don't care. There, someone got a medal for what he did and you probably don't know either. A cat got stuck on a tree in some town and the whole fire department was called, bet you didn't know that. It's real life and people don't give a fuck so what do they do? Go online and try to care? Fuck that. It's online and really dudes, if you start shit it's fucking dumb and if you try to get back at the people who supposedly started it, you're fucking dumb too. It's fucking pointless and I hate using the Speical Olympics term but it's fucking true. 

2. Dad told me to always be good and always know where you're from and taught. I don't know who this person grew up with or what he was told but fucking shit, people started shit so you got to return the fucking favor? Since when have you heard an eye for an eye?  So fucking what if they threw shit at you. Dad always said it's not about who throw the shit, it's abtu who can actually stand there and take it in the face and then wipe t off and ask for more. you act all fucking great but when someone does stupid shit like that you go off and try to get back to them? Fucked up man, I think you need to rethink your logic.

3. Beggars can't be choosers. If there is a fucking reason why you want to be with someone you wouldn't fucking have any fucking excuse not to do it. One of my heroes and admirer, Professor Pausch said "The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough." So what does that fucking tell you. If there are options to get to the person, I would take it, why aren't you? I wouldn't be sitting on my ass nagging at people to help or even complaining and worring about little shit like flying alone. Fuck that, if you want to be there so bad, you would do fucking anything to get there. Grow a pair of fucking eyes and look at what you have and fucking take it. Take it or leave it.

4. fuckards need to fucking stop bitching about what they don't have and look at what they have and be fucking happy with it. You have a job so be happy you're actually fucking employed. If you don't fucking like it, quit. You have a pet you don't fucking like, give it away then. Don't be sitting on your fat ass trying to fucking bitch like it's going to fucking make everything better. Dude it's your fucking job, you're the one that signed up for it so aren't you bitching at yourself? The way you keep bitching about it only brings down morale and make people hate what they're doing too when they really don't and they have a good reason for wanting the job. Don't be fucking polishing the bitching by saying it's for the buddies you work with cuz it's fucked up and you fucking know it. You got a fucking problem with what you're doing fucking shit, you're the one that took the job remember? Hel-fucking-lo! And you said you can't just quit anytime? That's bull shit. Even with a job like Dad's you can quit anytime you want to.

5. Do not fucking pity me. I am sick and yes I am fucking dying. There I fucking said it: I AM DYING. So what? Who the fuck cares? Everyone dies and just because I have cancer doesn't give you the fucking right to pity me. You don't look at homeless person dying of AIDS and give them pity so why give me fucking any. I don't fucking need it so you can take it and shove it up your ass and all the other holes you got.

6. What the fuck is up with the easy use of war? People use it so lightly now. You got in a fight and you call it war. There are people out there who's actually in one. Uncle is going back to Afghanistan on Sunday and Dad's out I don't know where and how many other people are actually out there when you're sitting on your ass taking so lightly of the fucking word. It's fucking disrespectful to the people out there doing it and carrying it in their hearts.Show some damn mother fucking respect or are you raised without one dipshits.

7. Drugs, herbs, doesn't matter what you call it are fucked up and is not fucking cool and you do not look fucking cool with one. Don't act all pimp out and telling people it's the shit and they look cooler if they did had one. Hit the fucking record button next time and see how you fucking react. Hate to tell you, but you'll fucking laugh at yourself cuz you look and act worse than Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Britney Spears combied. If you want to act tough you wouldn't be sitting on your fucking ass doing simple drugs. You'd take that fucking bottle and drink the whole fucking thing. All those shit are fucked up just look at me, I've been doing it for seven years and look what it fucking did to me.

So to all the so called fucking friends and family I've made in the Ward. Take a fcuking look at yoruself. I can't see good and even I can't see you guy's fucking stupidity and fucking dipshit mind thinking you're bad ass trying to start or defend anything. Take the shit in the face, fucking wipe it off and ask for more. Don't be like some smart ass trying to fucking throw shit back. Wake up dudes, whether you throw it or get one in the face you'll still stink like a mother fucker. Don't fucking forget that. Like I said grow up or I hope you fucking grow cancer. Grow up and act your age dudes. I looke up to every single one of you guys man and it fucking pissed me off and fucking disappointed me seeing shit happening like you guys are some fucking 4th graders and that's saything something. Thanks for crashing my hopes and my idea of family and authority dudes, fucking thank you. Don't think I'm some fucking kid that don't know anything. Trust me, I just don't want to add to the flames by crashing both rooms forever. Grow up and you might see me in there again, if not, this is goodbye. I hate saying that shit but it's fucking goodbye. You won't ever hear from me ever again. Dad or Emmy will eventually tell you guys the fucking news that I'm dead or worse.

For people who decided to stay out of it and want nothing to do with all of that, thank you. Even though you people don't talk much or don't even talk to me, you guys are an inspiration for me to be a better person. Thank you dudes, it's because of you people who dn't talk much and don't say a lot that I keep going and fighting on. Trust me, I'm trying all I can right now.

Oh and people who keep fucking asking me what's happening, I'll fucking tell you.

I love you Todd, Xander. You guys are truly my brothers and you guys are awesome. I still look up to you guys man and still just want to be like you two. Maybe someday I will get to. Love you Sammi and Chelle, you both are the best sisters I can ever ask for. Brian man, you are something else lol, jk, go Wings and Ducks of course. I'm done and I can't be pissed anymore or else the machine will go off. Thanks for reading/listening to my rant and I sure hope and pray that Dad won't stick my ehad in the intake for swearing so much...

And it's back to the oxygen mask for me, I think I will go watch and listen to Professor Pausch's Last Lecture to calm myself down.

Thanks Professor...I'm doing what I can to do everything you told me. Still fighting strong like you did and don't worry about Chloe, Dylan, and Logan, they're doing what they're supposed to be doing. Please say hi to Mom for me and tell her I love her and miss her.