Last time I had a good chance to talk to Devin he told me, "Dad...we should watch the sunset together, it's amazing." And without thinking, I told him, "We do, you just don't know it but we do." 

And I have found that after three months after Devin's passing, no matter how busy I am, I find the time to do just that, knowing he is somewhere with his mother, enjoying the sunset with me. Though there are still many hours wondering "why my son, why my family" I stopped wondering the "what ifs". In life, we are most often dealt with a bad hand and now, what card needs to be played must have.

Till I see Devin and his mother again, every day will be thinking back to the times Devin put a smile on my face, a grin, and more. Please continue to pray for those who are affected by cancer.

For those who have asked, I have accepted the temp promotion as of date. Whether or not I will retire is still up in the air.

God Bless

Buzz

At times, life seems so surreal. These days, apart from the deployment itself, I am just doing my best even though I still miss Devin to a certain extreme at every waking moment. I am doing better than I was days after Devin's passing. Back then, I wondered if I would ever find my way out of that place of overwhelming heartache and sadness...

As an officer onboard, I would like to send out holiday wishes to our friends and families back home. We all wish everyone a safe and warm holiday season. While the sun is barely shining in the mass ocean line, many sailors, myself, and other officers, had the true joy of enjoying some holiday cheer both up top and in the galley. After a hard day at work, we will all be enjoying a wonderful Christmas dinner at the galley. Many thanks to USO for providing the wonderful resources to ensure sailors and officers alike are enjoying the holidays best we can while at sea. 

As I have mentioned before, when your day starts by the sight of the sweetest faces in the world, the mass stress and worries may just temporary disappear. As I am typing this, a picture of my wife and Devin stares back at me. Devin, who was barely five, had the shine on his face during his "first" Christmas. The joy and smile on his face while opening his presents is priceless. You can truly see the joy and peacefulness in them both. As the years traveled, every Christmas seemed to bring some sort of surprises from Devin.

Most memorable Christmas Eve was when Devin was just eight years old. Extremely sick from chemotherapy and radiation, Devin asked for a family prayer before heading off to bed. The young boy talked to God as if He was his best friend, giving my wife quite the tears later on that night. "God, thank you for letting Dad come home, thank you for Mommy and Dad and everyone in my family. Thank you for Christmas and thank you for making me better every day, I'm going to make you proud and be big and strong someday. I've been a good boy this year, tell Santa to hurry up and get here and I got milk and cookies for him! Please bless Mommy and Dad and Grandma and Grandpa and everyone and make them healthy too. Good night, God and Jesus and Mary and everyone else. Santa's going to be here soon!"

May the innocence of children never fade away. Missing you this Christmas my son, stay warm and keep your mother safe. Merry Christmas to all and again, a happy new year.

God Bless, 
Buzz 

Life at sea, for those who do not know, keeps majority of the emotions at bay. However, even at sea brings a heavy heart realizing near April, homecoming will be very different without Devin and his spirits. My folks will be packing and storing majority of Devin's belongings until my homecoming. I will then personally go through and keep a few items for memory while the rest (i.e. clothes and toys) will go towards donations to St. Jude's and other organizations to help other children in their time of need. I am sure Devin would be proud to share his toys and wheelchairs with others and help brighten up their day.

Even after two weeks, I still feel as if I am moving in slow motion, sorting through a variety of reflections and emotions throughout the day. Talking with sailors and sharing both pictures and stories of our children made me miss Devin more and yet, at the same time, prouder than ever. Though at times it is extremely difficult to fight back the tears, everyone still share laughs of Devin's goofiness when he was a child. (And even recently!) Looking at his baby picture in my locker every morning, I must remind you all to please, tell your children how much you love them, everyday.

Few have been wondering how I am doing and even what I miss most about my son. My response was everything:

I miss:
-the first time I held him in my arms and his little hand wrapping around my pinky
-the sight of his smiles and grins
-the sound of his voice and the look on his face as he says, "Don't worry old man."
-the sound of his laugh, especially when it is at his old man
-his voice as a child when he called my wife "Mama"
-the smell of his skin when I got to hug him
-his daily presence with Dash, whether is sitting in the living room or out playing fetch
-his daily visit while I am at work and making friends with many of the MAs at the gate
-his hearty distance wave at me when I was unable to get off the ship, with him standing just off the distance and myself topside
-his confidence when aboard the ship, often times he knows the ship better than the sailors!
-watching him do schoolwork, the concentration on his face is beyond belief
(list is endless)

It is still a roller coaster ride and juggling between work, home, and Devin's death. Thank you all for understanding that I do need my space and time to recover. Please continue to pray for the families continually fighting this disease and ones that are trying to heal from the aftermath. Again, I am extremely grateful for your support and pray that you continue to embrace everyday with your loved ones.

Wishing everyone a safe and happy holiday
Buzz

While this has been one of the most difficult days of my life, I am truly moved by the support that I have been getting from both friends and family. To see so many family members making special efforts to be here to honor Devin in a way help uplifted me during my hardest hours. Thank you for all the emails and comments from Devin's friends, I am sure he enjoyed hearing from all of you.

Regarding yesterday:

It goes without saying how unbearably heartbreaking it was to bury my son and lay him to rest next to his mother. Since then it is extremely challenging to express the range of emotions I am going through (having read some of Devin's thoughts and finally realized many of my mistakes as a father). At this point, I am somewhere in between finding peace knowing that Devin is no longer suffering and unbearable pain from the loss of my son.

As I have mentioned during the service, please let this be a lesson to all those who are or will be walking through the path of parenthood. Begin each day telling your children you love them and showing your love. No matter how busy, troublesome life and work can bring you, spend the extra moments with your children. Share stories, play a game, enjoy the afternoon ice cream, and make every single day count. Take the advice from an old man who recently lost his only son. It is my hope that no other parents would ever have to live through the doubts, regrets, and mistakes of their own wrongdoing.

After Devin's burial, few family members confronted me regarding my position within the Navy. Within a couple days, I will follow COD heading back out to sea to finish the rest of the tour. As for plans after the tour, that is up in the air whether I continue my service or retire my position. My email is still accessible from time to time, however, since leisure time is limited at sea, I do apologize in advance for not getting back to you in a timely manner. Thank you, once again, for all your support during this time of need. As hard as each day can be, I am trying to find the new norm (knowing that it will be a long process) without Devin's presence and his positive attitude backing up my very day.

God Bless
Buzz

Edit: Adding few of Devin's words:

Everyone else from Stickam that I met- Thank you for being there for me when I was sick. Thank you for curing my boredom when no one is allowed to be in my room. I loved being in the Ward and making friends but please later when someone comes in trying to meet new friends, don't wait till they look up to you for you to let them down. Falling like that hurts and sometimes it still does. Don't ruin it for them like you did for me. Don't make them look up to you then make them fall down forever. Thank you again and I'm sorry we didn't have the chance to talk more and get to know each other.

Everyone, please, dry your tears, don't cry anymore and let's party together. I love you all, thank you, smile and look up at me and Mom sometimes and hit me with a thumbs up. Be happy or else I'll come and hunt you down. If you know any people my age or younger, please tell them how much you love them and encourage them to do the things I never got to do. I'll miss you guys, thanks. See you later not goodbye.